Gratitude

Today, I was in the moment. All day. From the minute I opened my eyes, to this moment now.

And  I realized something very important.  In order to be in the moment, one must surrender.  And the minute one surrenders, one can be awash in one of life’s most precious and beautiful states: gratitude.

Even though I have felt gratitude at many different times in my life, I can honestly say that today was the first time I truly understood and lived this connection, that pristine place on the mountain top,  the place one must climb long and hard to come to … that place where surrender and gratitude meet and smile knowingly at one another like two old, long-lost friends. Today,  I stepped into my life the way a visitor would step off of the train and onto the platform of a place he had always longed to visit, a place where he knew he was destined one day to arrive.

My eyes took in every detail, my senses drank in every ambient gift- the sights and scents of the day, the intense warmth of the sun on my cat’s back as she found the most perfect spot on the kitchen floor, the intoxicating smell of the turkey in the oven just starting to brown, the herbs, thyme, rosemary, sage and butter melting together to produce a perfume that sent me floating above, looking down on this room, flooded with sunlight and simple joy.

And then the love I felt overflowing the banks of my heart for the man I call my best friend-silently acknowledging all of the qualities I cherish about him, his incredible kindness, generosity, humor, insight, wisdom, creativity, artistry, intelligence, affection, integrity … where we started and how far we have come … the challenges we faced down and worked together to vanquish, the moments when I wanted to run, and the fact that I was still there, standing there with such calm in my heart, so much breath and space inside. All of it penetrated my consciousness with a kind of clarity and power I had never experienced in just this same way before.  It was for me, all day, the only truth that mattered- what I saw in my immediate surroundings, what I felt, what I breathed, what I literally inhaled. Each and every thing that came into my sphere, I treasured. The whisk that fell out of the pie crust batter not once, but twice, splattering all over the rug and the floor and a cabinet or two, something that would have annoyed me somewhere inside on another day, was nothing, was a moment where I could show my partner compassion, understanding and encouragement instead. It was a moment today that made me smile, and say to myself, “I am here. I am alive and I am with this person who I love more than I have ever loved before, and I am grateful. I am more grateful than I can ever remember.”

And then I stopped and sort of observed myself in wonder. This feeling of gratitude was so powerful, so immense, that it made me feel like I wanted to reach out to each and everyone I knew and send them love and wishes for joy and for them to feel this kind of simple contentment. It is in my nature to want to give to others, so reaching out to people to spread joy is not a foreign concept. But this feeling I had today was special, because it is also in my nature to move- I am someone whose mind never shuts off and who has an incredibly difficult time sitting still long enough to give myself many of the calming gifts I know I can give to others.  I know how hard it is to turn off the mind, and today,  I was a bird who learned to fly.  Today, my ‘monkey mind’ took a vacation because two months ago, I made a resolution to take a break– To step off of the train I was on, a train that I knew was heading in the wrong direction.  And when I made the decision to get off of that rough train, the train that I will now name “control, frustration and hopelessness …” I let go. I surrendered to my own true nature, and I found a kind of deep peace that I cannot remember feeling in just this way ever before. Why? Because who I am today is a product of the hard-won lessons of someone who took a few too many bad train rides and finally learned when to get off, when to step down onto the platform and think for a while about which one she would get on next, but not a moment before she was good and ready.

Today my busy brain stopped, because I surrendered yet again. I made the conscious choice to do everything in my power to face myself in the direction of what I wish to manifest and then let  g o … No agenda, just flow. No plan, just honoring the pulse inside and appreciating everything just as it was outside, without trying to change a thing. Surrender. Quiet. Stillness. Observation. Awareness. Consciousness. Simplicity. Breath.

Today, I let go and I let God and I got the reward. I felt so grateful for exactly what is—hoping for what will be, yes, of course, I am only human, but today, I felt more grateful than I ever have before, because I was in the moment. I was in the moment where I was able to consciously appreciate each and everything. My mind was not fixated on future or past, on what I cannot control, no matter how hard I try.

I was here. Fully opened and surrrendered to what was, to what is.

Today I surrendered. I opened my hands to the universe, and together, the universe and my highest self answered with this one word:

“Gratitude.”