Just when you thought …

Just when you thought you were free …

Repeating behavior from our past that is deeply, and darkly shrouded, conveniently tucked away in the quiet folds of our amygdala is a stealthy, sneaky thing. Like a sleeping dragon, exhaling soft curls of smoke while ensconced in a profoundly unconscious “dreaming” state, he is content to wile away the hours, snoring, waiting.

The moment our past contacts a “representative” perfectly delivered, as if the devil himself could not have done any better– from that painful history, embodied in a love choice, or a relationship of some intimate kind, all bets are off.

The dragon awakes and unfurls its titanic wings, unleashing a fury that could level cities … that is, unless you are willing to walk into the belly of his fiery breath, the blazing conflagration that is your own wound and your own attachment, with sword of mercy drawn. You must be prepared to slay him and lay him down to rest once and for all on a bed of roses and tears. Tears because you must, once and for all banish the original dream of your childhood what never was, accepting the reality of what you lived through and survived all those years ago–if you want even a fighting chance to make the conscious and courageous choices that will allow you to create the life you want.

It is crucial to note, that even if you accept that your past was not the “dream” you wished it had been in your head, there is more work to do. Remnants– cinders from that time are inevitably smoldering somewhere deep inside that dragon’s lair– what you accepted as truths about yourself all those years ago, that you somehow continue to believe, inform the deleteriously repetitious choices you make in your life today, based on that original script from long ago.

Only after you mourn the loss of what you wish might have been in your original childhood garden, and only until you can challenge the myths that still play in your own psyche that one of your first role models unconsciously planted in your brain, like a song on relentless repeat, “I am guilty,” “I am unlovable,” “I could’t possibly deserve better,” “I can take it,” “I will make this okay,” “this has got to change,” can you be free and manifest a new reality, and one that will make you truly happy, bespeaking your own inner growth and freedom.

So how do you do it? How do you acknowledge that because of  that something on “replay,” something that’s knocking around inside you, you are at the mercy of the evil puppeteer, white faced with frightening red lips and black brows, furrowed and mocking you, pulling the strings, still making your choices for you, and believe me, they are not good ones. How do you meet yourself  when you suddenly realize that your past is still encroaching on your present and wreaking havoc?

The answer is: with compassion and forgiveness and love– the way a good mother would love her child through a high fever, all through the night with cold compresses and tender words. With sweet eyes, patience and perfect kindness–with the opposite of what that skipping record in your head would have you do.

And one day, if you do the really hard work, you may just come to discover that what once was this heaving monolith of ferocity and flame, this epic fire-breathing menace that has had you cowering in a place inside your very own being, living in a way that is less than, in a way that has made you dim your light, is really no bigger than the tip of your index finger.

And then you realize that even in the throes of some of the worst pain you may have ever felt in your life yet, you are performing that delicate and most vital surgery on the ancient places inside … And as you lay there in recovery, guess what? Not only did you slay that dragon, you survived, and now you have the biggest prize of all–you! You finally have yourself, ALL of you.

And you are no longer at anyone’s mercy, waiting for them to change. Don’t wait for someone else to do the work that will determine the course of your destiny. Like the saying goes, BE the change. Be the change you wish to see in the other. Then you will draw to you that other who can actually meet you, match you, cherish you in your every aspect, for your humanness, for your perfect imperfection in all its glory. You are beautiful, and you are deserving of the greatest love and tenderness and sweetness and light, because you are the light. You are the love. It is your birthright.

Don’t believe me? Look in the mirror through the eyes of someone who you know in your heart truly loves you for just being you, and tune in tomorrow for my next blog post. You won’t want to miss it.